Want less holiday stress? Be a gracious guest
if you're wandering this month, you can still be a welcomer
Over the next two weeks, many of you will be traveling—wandering to places that might be familiar. Or not. Exotic locales like your brother-in-law’s home, or the house you grew up in.
The American Automobile Association (AAA) predicts that the upcoming holiday season will be the busiest ever at U.S. airports. (See this article.) My husband and I will be among those millions of travelers. It won’t be easy. While I am a big believer in the power of positive thinking, I also think a healthy detachment is needed for holiday travel. We need to decide ahead of time to be flexible, patient. To be gracious.
We hear the phrase “gracious host” (or hostess) a lot. But what does it look like to be a gracious guest? The root of the word gracious is grace. How can you infuse grace into your travels this holiday season? Not just for the sake of others, but also for your own sake. To help you become a better, more welcoming person. To make the holiday season less stressful for everyone, including you. (Of course, you probably already know this. So you may want to forward this newsletter to your kids or spouse. You know, just as a reminder to be a good human.) But if you’re looking for specific strategies for being a gracious guest, read on.
Be a welcomer when you wander
If you’re traveling, you have an opportunity to grow. To become a more patient person.
Traveling is also an opportunity to learn about and even practice hospitality. To be a welcomer no matter where you are.
In this newsletter we talk about both welcoming and wandering, and how these are connected. But how is that?
When we travel (or wander) we become the guest, rather than the host. We get to see hospitality from the other side, from the receiving end. We are welcomed when we wander. We can learn what hospitality should be (and sometimes, what it shouldn’t be.) And in receiving that hospitality, we can learn. We can respond to the welcome of others in the way we’d want them to respond to us—with graciousness. Even as a guest, we can be a welcoming presence.
Your upcoming travels, if you happen to be one of the millions of folks traveling this season, offer you the opportunity to extend grace, peace, and patience. To grow. Who knew?
Here are few tips for being a gracious guest, which will make your travels more pleasant. I’ve also included a few Scriptures to reflect on. You may face some challenges, but you get to decide what your attitude will be about those challenges. See them as opportunities to grow in grace. As strategies for being a gracious guest.
Don’t complain
“Do everything without complaining and arguing.” (Philippians 2:14)
As I was raising my children, I had two phrases that I kept on repeat. First, when they struggled with anything, I’d start by listening carefully. Most of the time, I would not offer to fix it. Especially if it was something like, “I’m bored!” I’d say, “It sounds like you have a problem. But I think you can solve your problem.”
Second, when they would whine or complain (my husband did this more than my kids) I would say, “Sorry, the complaint department is closed.” Finally, they caught on. “Is the complaint department ever even open?” they asked. I smiled. “Occasionally, between 2 and 3 a.m. on odd Tuesdays. But you need to make an appointment.” They’d roll their eyes at me. But I’d smile and respond with a variation on the first phrase: “I think you are smart and capable and can solve your problem. Let me know if you’d like some help.”
I tell you all this to remind you: when you are a guest in someone else’s home, the complaint department is closed. All the time.
This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help. “I’d like to take a shower. Could you tell me where I could get myself a clean towel?” It’s not a complaint, not a demand, but simply a request, phrased respectfully without accusation. (Hopefully one you won’t have to make.) But keep requests reasonable. For example, if you have dietary restrictions (as opposed to preferences), let your host know ahead that you’ll be bringing food for yourself, or food to share that meets your needs. Don’t ask them to make something special or different for you. Don’t make your food allergies, serious as they may be, the focal point.
Offer to help, humbly
“All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”’ (1 Peter 5:5)
Don’t expect others to wait on you. Instead, demonstrate humility by simply helping out. Some people might say they don’t want help (and some cooks really don’t want your help because they are cooking, for heaven’s sake, and don’t need you underfoot while they’re trying to get dinner on the table—don’t ask me how I know this). But almost anyone will accept an offer of assistance with clean up: doing the dishes or clearing the table, loading the dishwasher or just tidying up. Especially if you are staying with your extended family or in-laws, do what you can to ease the burden of your hosts. Taking on the less glamorous tasks is a great way to “clothe yourself with humility.” It’s also just what you should do when someone else is cooking for you.
Bless the travelers (and transportation workers)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)
Photo by Yuval Zukerman on Unsplash
The airports will have long lines. The traffic might be slow. Your flight could very well be delayed. We feel disappointed and stressed when the gap between our expectations and reality gets too wide. So find a sweet spot between letting go of worry and lowering your expectations, and you might be pleasantly surprised. Allow more time than you think you need. Expect a few struggles during holiday travel. Instead of rage or harsh words, be kind.
Think about how you can be a welcoming presence to other travelers, and to the folks working to get you where you’re going. Don’t be a jerk. Be tenderhearted. I love that word—it makes a very good mantra when traveling. It invites us to think about how we can bless the people around us. Smile at the ticket agent and say thank you. Pray for the mom traveling with a restless toddler, and for the flight attendants who have to deal with surly travelers. Do not be one of those surly travelers. Express gratitude for ordinary things, like being able to fly across the country in just a few hours. It’s kind of miraculous if you think about it.
Keep things tidy
Let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father. (Matthew 5:16)
Tidy up your space when you stay in someone’s home. Even if you’re the type that doesn’t make your bed at home—make your bed when you’re a guest.
Even if you are living out of a suitcase for a couple of days, keep your stuff contained to that suitcase, or neat piles. If you dribble toothpaste on the sink, wipe it up. If you have a snack, put your dishes in the dishwasher when you’re done, or wash them. Don’t leave your coffee cup out for your host to deal with. Don’t leave your stuff all over the place. If you’re in a hotel, you have a little more leeway but be kind to the people who clean your room. Don’t be a total slob, and leave them a tip, which leads me to the next point.
Be generous
A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed. (Proverbs 11:25)
If you stay with friends or family for more than a day, take your hosts out for a meal, or offer to give them a break by ordering (and paying for) a carry-out pizza or meal. If you’re visiting someone just for a day or evening, bring something. Bring something to share, but also some gift for the host. The other night I went to a holiday party. I handed the hostess a large mason jar full of homemade granola. I told her, “Tomorrow when you get up and are asking yourself, ‘What was I thinking hosting 50 people for a party? What’s for breakfast?’ This is what is for breakfast.” She smiled. You can do the same with a loaf of quick bread, muffins, or something store bought. It’s a way to show simple hospitality as a grateful response to hospitality. (The recipe for the granola, which I got from my college roommate, is below.)
Being a gracious guest brings joy—not just to your host, but to you. Being kind and patient will actually reduce your holiday stress. Yes, it is hard—but you can do hard things. Pray, breathe. Because if we’re honest, a lot of our stress comes from within. How we respond to what’s going on will in part determine how we feel about it. In other words, you might have a problem, but I know you can solve it. Begin by being a gracious guest.
All of these tips come down to what Jesus once said: “Do to others as you’d have done to you.” Being a guest provides an opportunity to learn how to be a better host, and to be a welcomer even as you are welcomed.
Here’s the recipe for the granola. It makes a lot so you can share it. Which is the point.
Santa Cruz Granola
(recipe originally from Colette Sweers)
4 cups uncooked oats (Old fashioned work best but you can also do the quick cook kind)
1 cup unsalted raw hulled pumpkin seeds
1 cup unsalted raw hulled sunflower seeds
1 cup unsweetened coconut chips (the large pieces, not shredded)*
1 ½ cups raw pecans (chopped or whole)
1/3 cup light brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
¾ cup real maple syrup
½ cup oil (olive, coconut, or a combination of)
Preheat over to 315 degrees. On a large sheet pan, combine all ingredients. Spread evenly on pan. Cook 45 to 55 minutes until golden brown and toasted. Take the pan out and stir every 15-20 minutes to keep the granola from sticking. Cool completely. Keeps for one month (but good luck making it last that long).
*You can find coconut chips here on amazon or at a lot of grocery stores. I also recommend getting the nuts and seeds from a store that sells them in bulk to get the best price.
Thank you for the great suggestions and for scripture throughout your post. Happy travels to you!